One of the biggest changes and transitions of my life happened 2 years ago this month. I became a mom to one sweet little girl. In my coaching, my focus is on big decisions and big life changes and there aren’t many bigger than becoming a parent. I know I have a few friends who are thinking about starting to try for a baby and I know how scary the thought of that big of a change can be. So today I’m sharing my thoughts on what it felt like to become a parent and some of the ways my husband and I coped with the change.
Everyone who has kids will tell you it really is one of the hardest and most rewarding things you will ever do. They are so right and until you have a baby, you won’t fully understand it. I love my dog and thought having a puppy was great training wheels for kids. After having a baby, I can say it is and it is also NOTHING like it at the same time.
Getting Pregnant:
I always wanted kids so it was never a question of “if” for me but a question of when. Both myself and my husband were “ready” when I got pregnant with Lyra. Let me clarify that, I don’t know if you can ever fully be ready but we were as ready as we thought we were gonna get. So we started “trying.” Here is the interesting thing about getting pregnant, in high school everyone made it seem like we could get pregnant by looking at each other (and as teenagers we probably could) but by the time you hit your 30’s, “trying” can take some time.
You basically have a 6 day window and you have to hope the stars align. Some people get pregnant right away. Some people take a few months. Some people have to take the hard road of fertility treatments. All roads can be tough. For us it took a few months and I was feeling discouraged by the end but then finally that stick said “pregnant”. We went out and bought 3 more tests because we couldn’t believe it.
Being Pregnant:
Being pregnant is weird, awesome, horrible and amazing all at the same time. I was lucky and had a pretty easy pregnancy with Lyra. I had the normal things, tired, hungry, cravings and by the end, was ready for this baby to be out! but for the most part it was fairly easy. I know not everyone is as lucky.
The lucky part about being pregnant for women is, you get to start preparing for your life to change the minute you pee on that stick. You start to change your eating and making sure you are doing the right things to help the baby grow. You actually get to feel the baby kick you in the ribs and bladder like some alien trying to get out. (You love this alien intensely already) People see your belly and ask you about it or try to touch it (with or without asking). The point is each day you are starting to mentally prepare for change with little baby steps, pun intended.
Dads though, they start to prep with all the nursery stuff and building the crib but its not the same. You literally are growing this child and bonding with it for 9 months. Dads don’t fully get to mentally start to prep until the baby is here. Their lives don’t really change that much until they are holding that sweet baby in their arms. This is not a dig at dads at all! My husband was so supportive and wonderful my whole pregnancy but he wasn’t pregnant. So until Lyra appeared it was hard for him to fully mentally prepare.
Baby arrives:
Everyone loves a good birth story but thats a longer and grosser post than this so the quick version is Lyra wanted to stay in as long as possible. I was induced about a week and a half after my due date and 24 hours later they did a C-section.
What I remember most is the moment I heard her cry and the doctor said “she has so much hair!” (Lyra’s hair continues to be a topic of conversation and I can only hope she loves it someday as much as I do.) Tom and I both cried and then they stitched me up.
The hospital was a whirlwind of moments alternating between “holy shit,” “I love her so much,” and “wait, we can just take her home?” We were both elated and terrified that the nurses wouldn’t be coming home with us. The biggest change would be when we got home.
The first 6 weeks:
Foggy & Emotional: I have talked to a few of my friends about this and here is a non baby book version of what we all generally felt during the first 6 weeks of becoming a mom.
You are in a fog of sleepless nights broken up by the cutest creature you have ever seen. I spent many hours staring in wonder at this amazing person I had created swearing to her I would never let anything hurt her. I was tired and sore and my hormones were going crazy.
You are emotional for unknown reasons called hormones. I cried on the couch for no reason and was thankful my husband was there to sit with me. Speaking of husbands, something I don’t think is talked about enough is that both you and/or your husband can get post pardom depression. Remember when I was saying as a mom you get to prepare for the change in a way dad’s don’t? Well, here is where it comes into play.
Yes, you just had a baby and yes, you did the hard work but please don’t forget your husbands life has just been forever changed too. Hopefully he is also getting up to help with feedings and rocking so he is also tired. This is a team sport people. You need to be team mates and hold each other up in turn when the other needs it.
Unsolicited advice: Do not respond or take anything seriously that the other person says in the middle of the night. You are all tired and grumpy and probably won’t remember what you said in the morning anyway!
You will mourn the loss of your old life: Particularly in the first couple months of becoming a parent, you will probably drive by a restaurant you use to go to on a Friday night and think “what the hell have we done. I will never be able to leave the house again.” I promise you this is not true! You will leave the house and even go out on dates with your significant other again.
Everything in these first couple weeks is pretty much about what the baby needs. We both missed our old life where we could go out on a whim without 6 bags of things. Where we could see a movie on random Sunday afternoon or just sleep thought the night. We loved our baby so much but it was hard at times to feel so stuck and isolated.
You need to ask for help:
Grandparents are amazing baby sitters or siblings or friends who have kids. Yes, you can leave your baby with a responsible adult for a few hours and I recommend you do. Remember, you are still you and you love your significant other. Go out together and remember what it feels like to be adults without a baby. Yes, you will probably talk about the baby the whole time but at least you are having a conversation and spending time together. Plus, babies love grandparents! They spoil them and cuddle them and smell a bit like their parents but not quite.
We went on our first date without baby around 3 weeks. We both needed to get out and remember there was a world out there and Lyra was more than happy to stay with my mom for a few hours. It also really helped us both mentally start to feel more like ourselves again.
3-6 months: The fog starts to lift!
By this point, you will start to feel more confident in your parenting skills and more comfortable with all the newness of your life. Tom and I both were feeling more like ourselves by this point and especially around 6 months we started to feel like our old selves were coming out again. Lyra was growing like a weed and her smiles could make the most sleepess night better. I was back to work, which was hard but good in that it gave me back a sense of myself. We had started going on regular date nights and Lyra was happy to go on adventures with us! Plus, if you happen to have friends who also have kids, it really helps to plan activities with them. You are not alone and all parents need each other as support!
1 year:
Celebrate. That. Shit! On your baby’s one year birthday you celebrate them but also that you made it through the first year of having a kid! It is the hardest, craziest transition but with the greatest reward.
Through out our first year as parents we spent so much time in awe of our baby. I was tired but so in love with her. We had adventures and all 3 of us learned together.
Here are some quick tips and things I learned in the first year:
- You aren’t going to be perfect but you will learn from your mistakes.
- Take all advice solicited or not with a grain of salt and do what works for you and your family.
- Breast feed or formula feed and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for you choice. Again do what works for you!
- Beware of some mommy groups. Some are great and super helpful, some are spaces where too much judgement is passed around. leave the latter behind.
- When you hold your babying the quiet of night and stare in wonder at how perfect they are, you may cry happy tears. When this happens, realize that this is how much your mom loves you. Call her the next day and thank her for every waking moment she spent walking the floor with you.
- You are not alone. Ask for help and take the offered help when it’s given. It takes a village and that is okay.
- If you feel like you are depressed, please please go talk to your doctor. It’s normal and okay to ask for help!
- Your house will be covered in toys and that is okay.
- Take naps if you can. Call a grandparent to watch your baby while you nap if you can’t. Either way, let laundry wait, go take a nap.
- Do what you need to do to feel like you. Your baby needs you to take care of yourself so you can take care of her/him.
Above all, the thing I learned most in this journey, is that becoming a parent changes you (a lot!) and sometimes the hardest part is getting comfortable in this new version of yourself. You will loose yourself in taking care of this beautiful new life but you will also find yourself again and learn things you didn’t know about yourself in that journey.
I am not a parenting expert or doctor so feel free to ignore any or all of this. Your experience may be totally different than mine but what I want you to know most is you are not alone. Whatever you feel or don’t feel, you are not alone so don’t be afraid to talk about it or ask for help when you need it.
Becoming a parent was and continues to be an amazing journey. My wild strong-willed, tender hearted girl amazes me every day. I learn so much from her and I hope I can teach her just as much. So here is to parents and soon to be parents everywhere, keep up the awesome work! and when your kid is melting down at Target, know that I will be there mentally holding up the Katniss Everdeen sign for solidarity. It takes a village and you are part of mine.